Well there’s been plenty of speculation so I thought I’d make an announcement. Yes it is true, i’ve applied for the position of England Football Manager. Given my qualifications and commitment to motivating our bunch of overpaid, undercommitted workshy fops in to actually qualifying for the next World Cup. I am firmly of the opinion that we as the inventors of the beautiful game should be able to beat Croatia with a team of only 3 goalkeepers wearing slippers, and so have decided to take it upon myself to lead the nation to glory in 2010.
My application letter is attached. I await their reply.
Dear Football Association.
I like you watched in horror as our 11 overpaid, underperforming chumps embarrassed themselves at Wembley last wednesday. The holy place of football was indeed desecrated by what can only be described as professional muppetry. As the inventors of the sport we should be proud to take apart any team at Wembley, especially Croatia, who only have barely enough population to fill the team bus.
So please accept this email as application for the vacant manager’s position. I have won exactly the same number of trophies as Steve McClaren, with the added bonus that I know my arse from my elbow when it comes to football.
My wage demands are reasonable indeed. You pay my expenses to all games (including the impending trip to Kazakhstan…. how on earth did we draw them?) and agree to jet my WAG and son to all games first class, and my time is yours. My backroom staff requirements are light. I simply require a platoon of Royal Marine Commandos to train the team and remind them why it is an honour to represent your country.
I am confident that this approach will return national pride and honour to the limp-wristed nonces that dare wear the hallowed three lions, and I am sure that this novel, yet traditional approach will put us back on the throne of world football where we belong. It might not be pretty, but we can’t all be Martin Keown.
Much love and kindness to all.
Matt
November 29th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Its interesting, you are doing great job, you are waking them.