Google rapport and you will find a bunch of stuff on how to get a connection to someone’s unconscious mind. The idea is that if you can get “in rapport” with someone, their unconscious is paying attention which gives you a much more attentive audience. This is a key part of NLP and coaching, and is highly documented.
However, as with all things that have a possible persuasion opportunity, salesmen and sales trainers have gotten hold of the idea and massaged it in to a set of techniques to help sell anything to anyone. Common “tricks” that I have been taught on sales courses include “matching and mirroring” the customer’s movements and posture. The idea is that people like people like them, and if you mirror them then at an unconscious level you establish a connection based on sameness. Once in rapport in this way, the customer will begin to “follow” your movements and posture, the pace and lead concept. It’s great except that really it just isn’t as easy as that. It’s creepy if done badly, and even if done well tends to be annoying.
When I first started coaching and practicing I really got caught up in this idea, trying to match and mirror all aspects of the person, even trying it out in meetings with other people to see if I could lead them. I had some success but something just didn’t feel right about it. So I started looking to see what people were doing when they got in to rapport with me without me doing anything. Friends, family, work colleagues, and I soon noticed something interesting. It seemed that rapport is the by product of being GENUINELY interested in the other person. And it’s quick too - a smile is all it takes, and the signs are there for those who care to listen to themselves - for me it’s a warm feeling and a slight sensation that time has slowed a little and everything else has quietened down.
How to be genuinely interested in someone
This takes some practice, obviously there are people that do this naturally, but if you already do this, then you will find it easy to develop even deeper rapport with the people around you.
When you see someone to test this on, take these steps
1. Go quiet on the inside, for some this as easy as a “sssh” to themselves, or putting their tongue to rest gently on the back of your top front teeth.
2. Allow yourself a little smile, internal or external (or both!)
3. If it’s someone you know, remind yourself what is great about them - why you like them
4. Whether it’s someone you know or not, allow yourself to wonder what is special about them - what learning they have that could enrich your life, what amazing stories to tell, what makes them happy
5. Accept them exactly as they are, when someone doesn’t feel from you a need for them to change, their defenses drop a little
Practice this and quickly you will find your interactions with people to be stronger and deeper, and I personally find that accepting people just as they are significantly drops my own stress levels, and leaves others really enjoying their time with you. Rapport isn’t a mechanism to influence people, it’s the side effect of the dialogue that you get on many levels when you take time to enjoy your encounter with another human being.
This also has the side effect of making the other person feel good, so get out there and spread the love!
March 9th, 2007 at 9:31 am
[...] on from my rapport article the other day, I decided to expand that idea in to something a little bigger and fit that [...]
April 18th, 2007 at 10:33 am
[...] I worked hard to ensure that we would have a positive meet, which it was, and I gained very strong rapport with all of them. Consequently the meeting was very positive. When I arrived at the function, I met [...]