So last week, I was talking about maps. Maps of reality… how we don’t experience reality directly, but through a set of filters, our beliefs, meta-programs, our previous experiences etc etc, all of these contribute to our interpretation of reality. I like to think of it as our approach to filing, for example if you have a filing system for stuff at home - bills, statements etc etc.. where you file a letter from the water company might differ from how I might file it, and that may be because the importance or relevance of that letter for you will likely differ from the importance I put to it. This is true for reality. Let’s say you are a glass half full kind of person and I’m a glass half empty person.
So as these people, we are both driving to work and we both get stuck on red lights for six blocks. Now you, as the optimist, might not even notice that you’ve been stuck on red… you’re glad to be out in the car, listening to your favourite tunes, whilst I as the pessimist, am counting every single second I am stuck in traffic, wondering why the world is conspiring to make me late for work.
The same reality happened to both of us, but we “filed” it differently. The meaning of those six successive red lights was different for each of us, based on who we are and our mindset at that point. because how I interpret those lights will differ for me personally from day to day, and hour to hour, depending on my state of mind, what’s happened to me today, what’s on the radio (music is a great anchor for states) and a bunch of other stuff that I could write about all day.
Ok so revision lesson over. This stuff is cool to know because once you understand filters and the fact that people make meaning from reality, you can understand that people have opinions and views for a reason, and once you know this you are but one step away from having Jedi powers.
Once you are comfortable with the concept that the map is not the territory, you can lead people to new maps, or to enriching their map. Rather than the traditional argument of - “you don’t get it, that’s not true”, by meeting people at their map - letting them know that you understand why they think that… what must be true for them to think that way, you can begin to lead them to new maps, or ways and information that enriches their map and can help them break problems, see new opportunities or realise that they should buy your product.
So ditch lines like
“what you need to understand…”
“the truth of the matter is…”
“my point is this…”
and replace them with something like
“I understand that you believe that because of X, and that’s ok, I had a friend who also felt like that, however when he also understood Y, then he began to wonder whether Z was a realistic way forward…”
Here, you are meeting them at their map, letting them know that’s ok to think that given their circumstances, and then adding new information in a very gentle way to enrich their map and hence make them aware of new ways forward. There’s some other patterns in that suggestion too, which you can read more about if you take a look at Jamie Smart’s Influential Language Cards, or Kevin Hogan’s Covert Persuasion book.
Now, a lot of this might be new to you, and that’s ok, I wondered whether this stuff really works when I first read about it, and whether it was right to influence people like that. However then I realised that naturally persuasive people already do this unconsciously and get great results, and once I started to use this approach I found that it was comfortably easy to help people see new perspectives on their situation, without feeling like I’ve manipulated them…
